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The Passive-Aggressive Personality

He’s kind, caring, a nice guy in every way – most of the time. Other times you wonder about him. Can’t he hear you? Doesn’t he care? Is he stubborn, stupid or what?

Like the time you were cooking dinner and asking him if he would buy a quart of skim milk and a packet of American cheese on the way home. He said, “Sure, no problem,” but instead brought home whole milk and Swiss cheese. You left thinking – Hello, is there anyone home? I could have sent my 10 year old son to the store with better results!

When you confront him about buying the wrong items, he becomes irritated with you. He says he forgot, doesn’t see where the problem is and accuses you of never being satisfied with what he does. You alternate between feeling guilty, wondering if you’re really too picky or demanding, and feeling frustrated that he can’t complete a simple task.

If this scenario sounds familiar, it’s time to learn more about passive-aggressive personalities.

Bill seems like a “nice” guy, both in his personal and professional relationships. If asked to do a task, he usually replies: “No problem”, “I’ll manage it”, or “I’ll get back to you about it”. But his follow-up on these issues leaves a lot to be desired.

Hiding his defiance under the guise of compliance, he promises anything, but then does what he wants.

Bill’s passive-aggressive pattern began in childhood. Not wanting to argue with his parents but wanting to get them off his back, he became very adept at passive-aggressive strategies, such as:

  • “I’ll get to that in a minute, mom.” (But I never thought twice about it.)
  • “I did my homework, dad.” (In fact, he only did his math homework.)
  • “I’m doing my homework right now.” (Does his homework for a few minutes, then goes back to his video game.)
  • “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of that mess in the garage.” (Never specifies when.)
  • “Yeah, I will. (He yells as he leaves the house to play ball.)
  • “This project is not scheduled until next week.” (Hand over responsibilities at the last minute.)
  • “As soon as I finish these other things.” (Always a reason why he can’t do it now.)

These passive-aggressive behaviors from childhood carried over into Bill’s adult life. To this day, he is still uncomfortable with conflict and confrontation and cannot negotiate a compromise or refuse a request directly. Instead, his way of getting along is to agree, but then have it his way or just not do it at all.

What is the effect of passive-aggressive behavior on the other person? In short, it drives the other crazy!

It’s frustrating trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t give you a clear answer. It’s maddening to rely on someone you can’t trust. Excuses and double messages invariably test your patience and trigger your anger.

If you have a passive-aggressive personality, there will be times when you lose your temper. Then he’s likely to tell you to pull yourself together – acting like he didn’t participate in any of the dissensions that were created. At this point, he can get very cooperative – like you wonder, why, oh why, does it all have to be so hard?

In your gut, you know, there has to be a better way. What can you do to change the model? Here are some suggestions:

  • Recognize the pattern. Instead of just feeling guilty, angry, or confused, label the disconcerting behavior as passive-aggressive.
  • Express your anger before you get to the rage stage. Stick to the facts. Explain how his action (or inaction) affects you.
  • Call the person passive-aggressive on his behavior. If a promise was broken, confront it. If an answer is evasive, ask for clarification. If he can’t give you a direct answer, tell him how his behavior style affects you.
  • Encourage the passive-aggressive person to directly express their feelings, even negative ones. Despite any initial discomfort, you might find it refreshing to have open, honest arguments instead of working so hard to decipher double messages and try to make sense of oblique communication.
  • Deny guilt. Although you may be part of the problem, one thing is certain. You are not the only cause of the problem; ni, can you possibly be the only solution.
  • When in doubt about whether you should trust what the passive-aggressive person is saying, follow your instincts. If, like Hamlet, you’re torn between two impulses – “to believe” or “not to believe”, place less importance on what is being said, more importance on what your gut tells you to be true. And keep in mind that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

If, despite implementing these suggestions, nothing changes, it’s time to seek professional help.

Copyright 2010

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